|How to Have Good Table Manners|
April 21, 1993
How to Have Good Table Manners is an episode of Schemer Presents!.
Schemer opens the segment by offering lunch to the viewers, a big bowl of spaghetti, which is the object of today's lesson, "How to Have Good Table Manners." With the help of his nephew Schemee, who is seated at a decorated table, Schemer explains that having good table manners is important as it's very easy to offend other people while you are eating. Good table manners show that you have respect for other people, and they in turn will have respect from you. All the while Schemer is talking, he is picking strands of spaghetti from the bowl using his fingers and eating it!
Schemer tells the audience how good the spaghetti and how he is so hungry, which elicits a loud burp from Schemee. As he's reproached by his uncle, Schemee says that he's also hungry. His uncle sloppily loads the plates with the pasta. Schemee uses a fork to eat his spaghetti while Schemer uses his fingers. The meal is interrupted by someone ringing the doorbell. Schemer opens the door and tells the elderly man standing there that his "mommy" is not home, and tries to shut the door. The man comes in anyway saying that his mother asked him to come in for an estimate for how much it will cost to paint the house. He tells them to act as if he's not there, but suddenly introduces himself as Ed Hooyen to which Schemer replies "gehsundheit" before introducing himself as his nephew Schemee. Ed tells them to enjoy their meal and pretend he's not there. He then compliments Schemer for having such a fine young nephew, and reveals that he has four children of his own with three grandchildren.
As Schemer mumbles a response, Ed berates him for taking with his mouth full as it is impolite. Schemer reminds him that they're taping a show about table manners which prompts Ed to once again tell them that he isn't there. When Schemer mentions the word spaghetti to the viewer, Ed interrupt by confirming what they're eating and comparing it to liguini. Schemer pleads to be left to continue the lesson to which Ed again proclaims to be not there.
Schemer claims that knives and forks are important and that they should be used once in a while. Schemee blurts an order to Schemer to pass the salt. Schemer says it is important to keep your face down in the bowl and to be sure to breathe as you eat. Ed watches everything unfolded in horror and intervenes, telling Schemer that this is not the proper way to eat and that he should be embarrassed to do that in front of him of such a fine young lad like Schemee. Schemer doesn't like Ed's interruption and demands to know why his table manners are so important to him. Ed explains that the proper way to eat is to sit up straight, place the napkin on your lap; you keep your left hand on your lap unless it's needed to hold your fork while you use the knife. You then bring the food up to your face, not the other way around. As he feeds Schemer a forkful of spaghetti, Ed tells him to chew his food properly and reminds him not to talk with his mouth full.
Schemer suddenly begins rapping the table with his utensils yelling "gimme the salt!" repeatedly. Ed intervenes once again, telling Schemer that if he wants salt, he should ask nicely as "Please pass the salt." Schemer repeats the request in a stentorian voice. Schemer then claims to have learned something today and is inspired to put it to music. He runs to the keyboard and sings a song about proper table manners. After approving the song, Ed leaves, as Schemer returns to sit down at the table.
Schemer is about to share his thoughts when Ed appears in the window barking at him to keep his elbows off the table. This startles Schemer which sends him and the table toppling backwards onto the floor. The segment ends with Schemer setting up for the next lesson, putting the table upright and pretending to continue eating.